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David Blackledge, 68, helps provide support for his wife Pat, who has had rheumatoid arthritis (RA) since the age of 15.
Pat and I got married a few years after she had been diagnosed with RA, and the following 42 years have been an uphill struggle – but well worth the difficulties.
There have been times when I’ve thought ‘I’ve got another 30 years of this’, but you always find a way through. Pat and I have a shared understanding – nowadays, I usually know when she needs more help during a flare and when to step back to give her more independence. She will always tell me if she needs more or less help than I am giving her.
Helping out
I do all of the heavy tasks, such as shopping, gardening, DIY, cleaning and the like. Pat likes to cook so she does that, but I do the washing up. I also drive her when she needs to get to places, although most of the time it is somewhere we want to go together.
We have had to adapt as we have grown up together, facing different life challenges and watching our boys grow up. When they left home, it changed the dynamic we’d worked so hard to find, so there was definitely an adjustment period.
There are two key things I would recommend to anyone providing care for someone with arthritis. The first is never feel guilty about not doing enough for them – remember that they want as much independence as possible, and you can only do so much yourself. The second is to always find time for yourself somehow.
Time for yourself
For a fortnight each year, I go on a walking holiday and Pat has a friend come and stay to help her with things while I’m away. I also think it is psychologically important to get down to the pub every now and then to spend time with friends. I am lucky in that I do not need to care for Pat full time, as she can still do many things for herself, so I can find time to get out and about when I need it. Even if you care full time for someone, you really do need to find something – even using the internet – to give you some mental, if not physical, space.
Pat is right when she says arthritis will show the cracks in your relationship, but it is so worth it when you come out the other side stronger and more together than ever.
